On Tolstoy and Apparently Catching Feelings

The other day, an image with a Tolstoy quote happened across my social media feed. The quote was about the sadness of love never realized but lingering in stolen glances and unspoken words and never becoming what it might be. It was perfect. The post said the quote was from Anna Karenina, which I have started twice but never finished.  (Some day…)

The thing is, I think the quote was a fake. A smart fake, like AI knew me well enough to presuppose that I would be inclined to stop scrolling for a quote about love not yet realized and also knew me well enough to know I’m a fan of Tolstoy. 

I’ve tried to find evidence that this quote is real—and it’s nowhere to be found. I know that if it’s real, it’s a translation from the Russian and there could be multiple similar versions out there because that’s how translations go—but I can’t find anything remotely similar in any of my searches.  I’ve decided not to even post the direct quote here so as to not have the Internet pick it up and try to convince someone else that it’s real.

But I can’t even tell you how deeply disappointed I am to find that this quote is a fake. It felt real. It was so heartbreakingly beautiful. It felt like Tolstoy knew exactly how I feel about…him.

The man I’ve tried without success to put out of my mind. The man whose dark brown eyes compel me to meet them even when I know I’ll be lost (and yet also found) the moment our eyes meet. The man whose gaze lingers with mine long enough to make me hope. 

The man who has yet otherwise to make a move. The man for whom I feel as much confusion as I do desire.

I wanted the Tolstoy quote to be real because I wanted it to bring me clarity somehow. It did not.

Along the way, I found another Anna Karenina quote (this one presumably real):

“He stepped down, avoiding any long look at her as one avoids long looks at the sun, but seeking her as one sees the sun, without looking.”

This I understand as well. It seems less satisfying than melting into someone’s eyes, but maybe it’s the first step toward emancipation from the spell he casts. 

Or it’s denial.