Minor Complaints

I don't plan to say anything of great consequence tonight, but I wanted to write because writing always makes me feel just a little bit more...myself. And today has been a very un-Jana day.

It began around 5:20 a.m. (the last of many times that I awoke to my brightly lit bedroom, with the single thought: "must stay awake and study Hebrew"). I must have slept a couple hours off and on during the night, but it never really seemed like it. Of course, this is getting almost typical. Even when I try to sleep, I'm having trouble. Not a guilty conscience, I promise. But I wish I could figure out why I'm not sleeping. Obviously last night was because I was trying to study. But most nights...it's starting to concern me. Some people say that sleep is overrated. I don't know, though. I'd give it a pretty high rating right about now.

At any rate, I had a Hebrew exam this morning, and I wasn't sufficiently prepared for it, so I was frustrated, and my TA decided that today was a good day to give me a lecture about being on time for class (a lecture that was decidedly unappreciated in the context of the morning, I might add). So I entered the workday very irritable, and this was heightened by the fact that I.T. decided to shut down the network university-wide from 12-12:30, which would have been fine except I had appointments with students to get their ePortfolio stuff fixed, and by the time the network was back up and I helped the computer-challenged lady and the English-challenged guy, it was time for class and I hadn't had a moment to eat. (Thank God for Mountain Dew!) But really, thank God for Pneumatology, because I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have some sanity scheduled into my Tuesdays...and I always leave that class feeling better than when I arrived.

There was more to the day, but I'm ready to stop complaining now. I'm sure tomorrow will be a new day. Hopefully a day when I can arrive to class on time and avoid another lecture from Mario (unless I did as poorly on the exam as I fear, and then I'll likely get a lecture on how I'm capable of so much more, blah blah blah). I'm glad he cares. Really, I am.

I'm just tired of always having to live up to everyone's expectations. Someday, God forbid, I might just make a B on an exam. And life will go on. It's taken 27 years, but I've finally come to a place where I realize my personal worth is greater than the letters on my transcript. (Which doesn't mean I'll settle for a B on my report card. It only means I'm better accepting such grades on minor assignments. So maybe I'm not entirely "cured" yet.)

Anyway. Lesson 27 is waiting to be translated and parsed. Words cannot contain my excitement. I love the study of Hebrew. I do. But if every semester is as difficult motivation-wise as this one has been, I really don't know if I'll make it through the program.