No, I'm not on vacation, or partying, or even doing all that many things out of the ordinary. I'm just not in class this week, not doing time-sensitive homework this week, not having to get up for an 8 a.m. class three days this week, not having to work until 7:00 in the evening to make up for hours spent in class this week. I think I literally skipped into the department this morning, and I don't know that my feet ever touched the ground for the rest of the day. I got to work...just work. No boss, no deadlines, no stress, no school. It was a perfect day.
Six years ago today, I was also on a break. I was thinking about that tonight as I washed the dishes. Six years ago (March 14, 2000, actually), I was sleeping in a yurt somewhere in the mountains above Taos, New Mexico. I remember writing in my journal:
Day two of my mountaineering adventure. We hiked along Wheeler Ridge, took a nap at the top of the ridge, and came back down--almost all on snowshoes. I've been up a few mountains in my time, but I've never had the opportunity to sleep on one. It was surreal. I awoke to the sight of snow-capped peaks, first thing. What bliss! It was a tough day, though. We're all getting tired, sore, and sleep-deprived. Tomorrow we're supposed to climb to the summit of Gold Hill, but I don't think any of us are up to that challenge right now. I'm learning a lot through this trip. I've learned that my tendency is to push myself onward and upward, to higher heights and greater things. But I don't think this is always a wise or good thing. Sometimes I push myself too hard. I keep thinking of those words from Evita: "If you climb another mountain, it could be your last." Is that what I want? To push myself so hard that I burn out before I'm thirty? No. And yes. And no again. Maybe it's ok to rest. Profound thought. Maybe I'm just as much of a success when I sit out of a hike as when I climb every mountain. I came to the mountains to get away. It seemed logical--no electricity, no computers, no deadlines, no stress. It's a different kind of stress--a physical push--and I like it because it pushes everything else out of my head. When I'm hiking, I'm hiking. Every muscle, every thought, every moment--all of it is devoted to my placing foot in front of foot, up and down and around mountains. This is good for me, and I know it. However, I am sad that, in focusing my all on the hike, I miss the beauty of the mountains. Photo stops are all I get. Why can I not stop and ponder the beauty of the mountain or the incredible Creator who caused it to arise? Why is my life always about the push? I'm sitting in our "yurt," and everyone else is in bed. Exhaustion has set in for all of us, and still, I push to keep awake long enough to write because my daytime is too full for it.
All I want is to sit and watch the mountain until some great clarity of mind comes to me and I know what to do with all the crossroads that lie before me.... Can I make it through these last months of my college career without completely burning out? And I don't know the answers to these questions. The fire in our little stove is burning brightly, consuming the aspen wood, and I almost wish that I could be that fire, ever consuming each thing placed in front of me. But that's not what I am; I am a person, not a fire. If I am the wood, then maybe the fire of activity is consuming me. All I want is to live rightly before God. Sometimes I think I could do that so much better if He were more clear about His specific plans for me. Of course, the listening factor poses its own problems and dilemmas. For now, I must go to bed, with at least this one thankful thought: that He who sent a falling star just for me cares enough to guide me along every trail He has set aside for me. Oh, if only that knowledge were enough!
I wish I were wiser today than I was six years ago. I wish I knew how to stop pushing myself so hard, so I could truly rest. I think back, and I remember how I felt that week, in a period of great indecision. Some factors have changed, but I feel similarly burdened now (though thankfully, not this week, because I refuse to think of burdensome things while I'm on break...except perhaps while blogging). I feel like my life is again at one of those great (perhaps self-imposed) crossroads, except this time, there is no immediacy for the decisions, so I am free to instead wallow in my lack of knowing indefinitely.
This wasn't supposed to be a depressing post! I promise! And I don't mean it depressingly. Life really is wonderful, and I have few legitimate complaints. And it's a glorious spring break, and I've still got four days left to suck the marrow out of! (Knowing full well that I ended a sentence with a preposition...and not caring.)
The indefinite befuddles us all, I guess.
No comments:
Post a Comment