Feelings are crap. Seriously. What do they tell you? A friend of mine once tried to convince me that it didn't matter how you felt; you had to just make decisions and follow through with them. He has since gotten married and probably has acclimated himself to a more feelings-friendly world. But that's not the point here.
If I were to identify with a Rent character, it would be Mark. (You probably don't see the connection between this and the previous paragraph, but that's ok, because it's my blog, not yours.) In a confrontation, Roger accuses him: "You pretend to create and observe when you really detach from feeling alive." And he's right. Mark doesn't have serious life problems compared to anyone else in the cast. He's the one behind the camera, trying to make art out of everything going on around him yet attempting to stay distanced enough that he can survive when everything around him falls apart, as he knows it will.
I think I do that sometimes. Not on so desperate a level, of course. But I'm afraid to just let myself feel. Care. Love. You name it. There, it's out there in black and white, and now you can all judge me for it.
I'm afraid to be committed to anything that I'm not sure that I want, and the reality is that there are very few things right now that I am sure I want. And if you can't commit a commitment, why commit feelings? Right? I'm not even really talking about people (although it could apply). Things. Jobs. Schools. Life goals. Why waste the energy caring when you're just going to end up stuck somewhere you don't want to be, anyway?
2 comments:
I believe that we all feel the way you do at some time (or times) in our lives. It's a natural response from living life. We are all afraid--afraid of loving too much, caring too much, making plans that could fall through--and our past experiences have caused us to have this response. Not only because we've been disappointed and hurt before, but because we lack the ability to see our lives as God sees them. I'm reminded of the Avalon song that says "your life, woven day by day, is a new design...in the pattern of redemption running through the tapestry..." The thing about tapestries (if you've ever seen a really old one) is that the front part looks beautiful and perfect, but if you look at the back, it’s a complete mess.
And so we try to guard our hearts and distance ourselves (sometimes too much) in a valiant attempt to shield our hearts from more mistakes, more hurt, more regrets. If we don't get too attached or too committed or too emotionally involved, then we won't be hurt when things eventually turn out the way we think they will (or fear they will).
I don't have any brilliant solutions for conquering fear; God knows it’s something that I've struggled with time after time, and still struggle with, just in different ways than before. Maybe all we can ask for is clearer spiritual sight to see our lives the way God does?
I think your post was full of common sense--not something you see a lot of these days.
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