I wish, more than anything, that I could just let you go. You would be, to me, a memory, a brief flicker from a wick, picked up by a roving north wind. It is the simpler way: to unclench the fingers and release.
But my heart cannot.
Hope, a dreaded constraint, a plague upon this house, shadows every thought in which you are present. Hope, because I wish, more than anything else, that in the stillness you would find some piece of me lodged within you. That it would compel you to return for me, knowing what you want, knowing I am what you want.
A silly request, unfounded. I cannot force the time or sway the prospect. What comes will come; inevitability finds its seeker, even if the sought-after is not what the seeker foresaw.
But I cannot hope to hope much longer.
I am calling to you, not because I think you will hear me, but because it is all that is left within me to do. I find little hope in holding you here.
Perhaps you have already vanished, like smoke from a candle now unlit. Perhaps only I, in limbo, now remain.
Even if it is only to the night wind that I speak, I must say to you: You had my heart—or could have. Your lack of motion was your undoing. And my lack of motion will ever be my regret.
3 comments:
Jai,
It's going to be okay. You have to believe that. If you don't, then there is not hope. Even if life ends up being nothing as you hoped and dreamed, there is still the possibility that it could become everything you never imagined. How awesome would that be?
I do believe that. And I really am fine. I was just feeling overly dramatic about all of it last night. Too much Everwood, I guess.
I want to believe that something amazing is possible. But sometimes that requires more faith than I can muster.
Jai, don't ever apologize for being overdramatic! We women need to express ourselves dramatically at times because of our emotional nature. Besides, you aren't one to be overdramatic on a regular basis, so you absolutely have the right to indulge in drama once in awhile!
Just remember that "God is the God of promise, even when that seems impossible." I know, believe me, I KNOW, that it looks like a hopeless situation right now, but it is NOT! You know that I absolutely believe that our God is a God of long odds! (Especially these days!) He is completely able to do "exceedingly, abundantly, above all that we could ever ask, think, or even dare to imagine!" Charleszetta Waddles once said that "God knows no distance." And I truly believe that He never sees time or distance as an obstacle to any part of His plan for your life! There is still hope (you know, that thing with feathers) that this is not the end of that particular chapter in your story.
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