It hit me in a flash as I was driving back to work after lunch: I have a tragic flaw.
As a student of literature, I learned very early to examine and analyze the tragic hero (think Shakespeare: Macbeth, Hamlet, Othello). He was usually a character of such high esteem and perfection that he seemed incapable of falling, yet one tragic flaw in his character, and the decisions that he made because of it, was his complete undoing.
This is not part of my normal lunchtime thought process, in case you were wondering. But I have a tragic flaw, which I hope can be corrected before it, in fact, does become tragic for me. What is it, you might ask? Unforgiveness.
The thing is, I have always thought of myself as a forgiving person. But I realize, in examining recent circumstances, how very untrue that is. The reality? I am a patient, forebearing person. My tolerance level is so high that I can take almost anything and not be hurt to the level of needing to forgive. I have always thought of this as a great personal strength, and perhaps it is, but it has set me up for this other problem. I have been so patient and tolerant that I have not had sufficient practice with circumstances that require me to practice real, honest-to-God, from-the-gut forgiveness of someone whom I absolutely detest for things that he is absolutely not sorry for.
Tolerance is not, nor will ever be, forgiveness. And therein lies the rub. Because I want to be tolerant. I want people to think that I am nice and kind and sweet and well-mannered--and most of these things are true, most of the time. But I am not called to be tolerant, per se. I am called to forgive.
And I hate it.
2 comments:
Isn't that the tragic flaw in us all? Forgiveness certainly isn't a natural human condition! In addition to the truth you mention: that tolerance and forgiveness are different, I have learned that a short attention span is also not the same as forgiveness. That is, even if I have succeeded in pushing out of my present consciousness whatever hurt was done to me, it is not the same as forgiveness. I can tell because when something stirs that memory, I am angry and hurt again. Maybe I will get this forgiveness thing down 30 years from now...
I think part of the problem is that what reaches into us so deeply and offends us so painfully is part of what defines us. If I really forgive and let go, then I feel I've erased part of me. Practically speaking, having part of me erased is a good deal better than having that part of me amplified into bitterness. Still, knowing what one should do is not the same as doing it! I appreciate the insights of both you and Ruth.
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