I Present Here a Tribute to the Weirdest Waiter I've Ever Had

Not to be cliche, but it is quite the winter wonderland around here today. There was an ice storm Wednesday night through Thursday morning, and then the snow started. Ten inches later...happy snow days to most of Tulsa!

So after a day and a half of being cooped up in the house, Becky and I decided to run some errands and eat a meal out yesterday. We ended up at Steak & Shake, hoping for a peaceful, quiet dinner. Enter: James.

I present here a tribute to the weirdest waiter I have ever had.

So he walks us to our table and says, "Oh, I guess you might need menus." Yeah. So after he went to get us menus, he came up to the table and said, "Well, here are your menus. Our soups of the day are [bla bla bla]. But I can already tell you what you're going to order." He takes straws in both hands and points to each of our respective menus. "You're both going to order the double cheeseburger platter with soup and french fries because that's why you come here, and it's the best deal for your money."

Becky: "It's really not a big deal. Everything here is way overpriced."

James: Pauses with startled deer-in-the-headlights sort of look. Pause becomes awkward. "Well, these aren't just regular burgers. We are proud to offer you genuine steakburgers..."

Becky: "Ok, but they're still overpriced."

James: "Well, I think that if you..."

Becky: "Look, I used to work here and I know what I'm talking about."

Jana: "Ok, thank you. We'll take a look at the menus now."

Brief interlude in which Becky and Jana discuss waiter's extreme awkwardness, lack of social skills, and serious annoying factor. B and J both decide to not order the double cheeseburger platter simply as a matter of principle. Enter again: James.

James: "So, can I take your order, ladies?"

We order.

James: "So, were you one of the original employees here?"

Becky: "No."

James: "Oh, so you must have worked somewere else."

Becky: "That's right." Duh. Another awkward moment ensues.

Later during the meal...Jana and Becky overhear a conversation in the back area between a number of the waitstaff.

James: "Do you know who had table 22? The tip is still there."

Waitress 1: "It's not mine. I just got here [excuses why]."

James: "Does anyone know who had table 22? The tip is still there."

Waiter 1: "Not me."

James: "Did you have table 22?"

Stressed Waitress: "Um, I don't know. I think so."

After said interlude, several of the waitstaff led by James enter into a philosophical debate in which James decides that there are lots of irresponsible people in the world, and it's people like him who have to pick up all the pieces.

After more gruelingly awkward moments where he tried to clear partially finished plates in the middle of an obvious conversation, he decides it's time to offer us dessert.

James: "Could I interest you in any coleslaw and baked beans for dessert?"

Jana: "I really don't think that sounds like a good dessert."

Becky: "No."

James: Awkward pause, apparently asking himself why the girls at his table don't think he's funny. "Are you sure?"

Both: "YES."

Exit James. B and J wait and wait and wait for ticket. Never comes. Not until we have decided to just go up to the register and tell them what we ordered does he see us, putting on our coats, and say, "Oh, let me get your tickets for you."

I generally have a lot of sympathy for servers. They work a thankless job, not always for good tips, and I try to be understanding of the various stresses they may be experiencing in a given day. But really? Really??? I don't know what's weirder: (1) coleslaw and beans for dessert, (2) the fact that he basically wouldn't let us order what we wanted because he already knew what we were going to order, or (3) the fact that all the lost pieces of the universe are meant to be picked up by him (apparently in his own sweet time).

You've got to laugh.