Playing "Survivor"

I wonder sometimes about life and growing up and what it all means. The current catalyst: today's announcement, some changes on a very high level--changes that are likely to have a significant impact on our course as an institution.

It's too early for me to really have an opinion as to whether the changes are good or bad, but it made me pause nonetheless.

When I was an undergrad student, particularly during my year on the newspaper editorial staff, I had a very low tolerance for political wrangling. The way I saw it (idealistic though it was), people were meant to work somewhere because they believed in their work, they believed they were well-suited for the task, and they were there because they wanted to do the right thing. The way I saw it, once a person's work started focusing on playing politics, the good was gone. I remember a particularly sticky time on the newspaper, where a story got cut for certain reasons of a PR nature and there was all this administrative stuff that happened surrounding it. It was messy. It was near the end of my time there. It dug its claws deep into me, and the scars remain to this day.

I have a vivid picture in my mind of how I saw a certain administrator that day. To be honest, I felt sorry for him, because he really seemed to want to do the right thing, but determining the right thing was so difficult in this situation. His choice was not what my choice would have been--at least, not then. Maybe now. I don't know.

When I started this job, I promised myself that if I ever became like that, torn between politics and doing the right thing, I would quit, because I never wanted to be one of them. I never wanted to place myself within the confines of such ambiguity.

Today's announcement reminded me of so many things, and yet most profoundly, I realized that my biggest concerns had to do with alliances and politics. (Think: Survivor.) "What would these changes mean for me?" I wondered. "Would the unseen thing I hope for still happen?" "Where would favor fall in this new regime?"

And all of a sudden, I realized. I am now that person. Politics matters to me, even though I hate the fact that it does. Favor and influence are fleeting. (But a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised?)

And it's no longer quite so black and white. Playing politics is messy, to be true. But so is not playing the game. Politics screwed me big-time earlier this year. What is a person to do? Not play the game and let it play her instead? Or play (to win) and constantly wonder where your alliances will lead you?

I don't know. But it's no longer as simple as just quitting in the face of political complications. Sometimes doing right by your work necessitates playing politics. And yet I find I really don't know what to do with this realization now that it has occurred.