The only way out was back through the screen they squeezed into in the first place. And then out. At least, for the aphids. I'm not sure for me.
A couple weeks ago, I was informed of something new at work. As if there hasn't been enough change in the last months. A new law, a new plan, a new load of absolutely ridiculous busywork to do. Some of you have heard me rant about it; the others of you are probably thanking your lucky stars that you haven't. :)
It shouldn't have been a huge deal, I guess, but for some reason I got really upset about it. And I've been trying to figure out why. (Partly, yes, because it is seriously the most ridiculous thing ever.) Mostly, I think it's because this new thing forces me to come to terms with the fact that I am doing more than I should be doing. And those things have been slowly sucking my life away for a while now, to the point that it's now becoming noticeable to those few people whom I actually let see the real me.
i'm never sure how to react when people tell me they're concerned that I'm working too hard. Most of the time, I just brush it off and tell them I'm fine, that I'm handling it, that I may not sleep much, but I'm managing.
And usually, I am.
But really, I'm not.
And I can get to the place of admitting it, but I wish I knew where to go from there. I wish I knew what it would be like to be relieved of the pressure. For once, it would be nice to not operate under a compulsion that I must be working at something constantly because I know that even if I do spend all my spare moments being productive, I will never accomplish all that I am expected to do.
It shouldn't have been a huge deal, I guess, but for some reason I got really upset about it. And I've been trying to figure out why. (Partly, yes, because it is seriously the most ridiculous thing ever.) Mostly, I think it's because this new thing forces me to come to terms with the fact that I am doing more than I should be doing. And those things have been slowly sucking my life away for a while now, to the point that it's now becoming noticeable to those few people whom I actually let see the real me.
i'm never sure how to react when people tell me they're concerned that I'm working too hard. Most of the time, I just brush it off and tell them I'm fine, that I'm handling it, that I may not sleep much, but I'm managing.
And usually, I am.
But really, I'm not.
And I can get to the place of admitting it, but I wish I knew where to go from there. I wish I knew what it would be like to be relieved of the pressure. For once, it would be nice to not operate under a compulsion that I must be working at something constantly because I know that even if I do spend all my spare moments being productive, I will never accomplish all that I am expected to do.
But I don't know how to let go.
2 comments:
I'd love to help. Unfortunately, though I'm great at getting into this position, I'm lousy at getting out again! The best way I've found to get out is moving across the country, and I'm not sure that's the best plan. It kind of forces you to start over every few years; in some ways, that's a great thing -- in others, not so much.
Do let me know if you figure out a solution!
My dear wife, who knows me better than anyone should have to, says that I'm too analytical. She says it even in beginning ballroom dancing class, and she's almost certainly right. I mention this, because what I'm about to say may be no good to you at all for that reason. But I can't seem to let this post go by without commenting, and hoping it's some help.
"I will never accomplish all that I am expected to do" begs the question: expected by whom? And how do those people's expectations line up with God's? One of the first places to look for mis-aligned expectations (for those of us with a bit of a perfectionist streak) is ourselves: am I expecting things of myself that God doesn't? Also, our employers and instructors have the right to have expectations of us, but does that mean that their expectations automatically line up with God's? If they say to me, "OK, you're supposed to be working as unto the Lord, so 55 hours' worth of work every week and a stress level that would give a gorilla heartburn is perfectly reasonable, and no you can't requisition Zantac, have a nice day," does that mean that in order to please God, I have to meet that expectation? What if they throw in the kicker, "It's for the Kingdom, therefore God wants you to do this?" I don't think there's a straight yes-or-no answer to that one, because God's plan for me and how he works in my life are constantly changing. But if the answer is 'yes,' and it comes from God, and it's confirmed by counsel that I trust, I can work with a much better heart (and lay in some Zantac). And it's a lot easier to work to please my loving Father than my less-than-loving employer.
I did something last summer that might help you. I listed the ways I spend my time, and tried to analyze them as if they were financial investments. Is this investment pulling its weight -- producing yields (keeping in mind Kingdom investment principles) in proportion to its cost? How can the yield be increased? Should I keep the investment, but change how I manage it? increase or decrease the investment, or drop it altogether? I prayed over the list, then went over it with my pastor, and we decided on some changes in my time-investment strategy. I'm still busy, but I think my investments are more in line with what God wants me to do, and that takes away some of the feelings of pressure and compulsion. At least for me.
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