Scattered Thoughts of a Restless Mind

Why is it that the guys you find completely unattractive in a romantic sense are the guys who you actually end up being able to talk to and connect with, while conversely, it is often very difficult to carry on a great conversation with the guys you find attractive in a romantic sense? I don't think it's just nerves. Maybe it's just my luck. I don't know. It seems to be a random pattern (which, by nature of being a pattern, is perhaps not random) in my life right now.

There are some songs I'm loving at this moment: namely, "Rain" by Patty Griffin and "I Think I'll Charge Tickets" by Jared Anderson. Both songs I've listened to in the last five minutes, in fact. Their songs (and many others written by many other people) remind me that it is possible to harness creativity into something that actually produces. What is the secret, I wonder?

The summer draws to a close. I'll be heading up north on vacation soon. There's a part of me that is longing for a break. There's another part of me that doesn't feel like there will ever be a good time to leave the office. I suppose that's why we take vacations: because we must, for our own good, so the hold our work has over us never has the chance to become so strong that it takes us over completely.

When I was a kid, my friends would actually get into fights over who would play with me on the playground at recess. I never really understood why; while I like to think I'm a cool person, really, I'm no more fun than anyone else and much less fun than a lot of other people. If anything, I don't necessarily feel much of a need for socialization. Anyway, it used to bother me because I felt like I was caught in the middle of something that was out of my control until I got mature enough to know how to set my own boundaries and make my own choices, and then it all worked out.

Now that I'm "grown up," I'm feeling that same "caught in the middle" vibe again. This time, it's work. I have a really strong feeling that one particular person is going to try to steal me away from my current department/position. This person has been dropping hints for several months, and now, after a big meeting we had this week, I think he is even more convinced that he needs me, which he does. But I'm not sure what I want, and I feel like if an offer were to come, it would put me in a difficult position and present a very difficult decision: to choose the job I prefer or to choose the job that would pay more and offer more prestige.

I think my boss is freaking out a little, too, because he recognizes that the offer is going to come eventually and if enough money is involved, he may lose me (even though I don't really want to go). He's usually pretty good about predicting these sorts of things, as am I, which is why I get weirded out when we're both sensing the same imminent thing.

I shouldn't worry about it till it happens, but I am convinced that it is going to happen.

I don't know what I want.

Is it even really about what I want? I mean, how selfish is that?

Sometimes it's hard to find the balance between what is "selfish" and what is "looking after yourself in a heathy manner." With work. With friends. With love. I just got off the phone with a friend who has found herself in this completely wonderful relationship with a really great guy. We had a good talk. I think the most meaningful thing she told me was that with their relationship, they were both growing to be better people because of each other.

Wouldn't that be a beautiful thing? To find someone who brought out more of you than you knew existed? To find someone who inspired you to give more and take less? To find someone who (in words penned by the writer of As Good As It Gets) makes you want to be a better person?

My thoughts tonight are scattered. They probably don't make a whole lot of sense when you, the outsider, are reading them. I do offer my apologies for that. It's just where I am right now.

An accident just happened outside in front of the house because the morons who are selling the house next door left their low-lying trailer parked in the street (nice of them to park it in front of us instead of in front of their own house). People really are idiots sometimes. It looks like everyone is ok, though. I would go outside myself, but (a) some other neighbors ran out when it first happened and (b) I'm afraid they would just start yelling at me because it's in front of my home, even though it's not my trailer.

Anyway. Cheers for tonight!