Tonight at choir rehearsal our leader decided to talk to us about how, as a group, we are in a place of transition right now. He said that the best thing he had found to do in times of transition was to continue being faithful...because change would come when the time was right.
He kind of annoys me sometimes, but I'm really glad he said that. It's where I am tonight.
I've been thinking about the transitory nature of life. So many things, really, are in a state of flux or transition or process. I'm working a job that I have stopped enjoyng, yet I refuse to leave because my employer finances my education. I'm hoping for other possibilities , but these possibilities are only a hope and a vapor, a breath of possibility not yet exhaled. I'm on a worship team where our leader left and we've been going for the last year tag-teaming it. Which might work for some people, but I find it quite draining. I'm in school, which means I'm in a process heading toward something (God knows what), but I'm not finished, so I'm in a certain limbo until I have that MA in hand, except I don't have the typical grad-student luxury of coasting through limbo because I have a job (well, jobs) that keep me much more in the real world than I would like. Even if my definition of "real world" is a highly bureaucratic and politically fractious bubble. Internally, I'm scared and I'm shy and I want to be alone--except I don't. The idea of a transition toward a romantic relationship (should there ever exist a man capable of winning my heart) sounds wonderful and yet completely terrifying all at the same time.
And maybe this post sounds like I'm complaining--but I'm not. I'm just observing.
It just seems as though my life is poised on the brink of change without the change ever actually occuring. What do we do while we wait for the unknown inevitable?
Even my blog title, Dreamcrossed Twilight, bespeaks this mystery, for T. S. Eliot himself is profoundly aware that the entirety of life is a "dreamcrossed twilight between birth and dying" as we waver "between the profit and the loss / in this brief transit where the dreams cross."
It is all transition from some thing to another. It is all waiting and hoping. It is all an attempt to remain steady and true so that somehow in the end things work themselves out. It is a game. A game where we wager our hope against all the unknowns that surround us.
"Suffer us not to mock ourselves with falsehood"....
2 comments:
I like the way you posed the question. "What do we do while we wait for the unknown inevitable?” Your choir leader is right. You remain faithful. It is your only option. Those are good words.
The good thing about transition is that it is transitory. Despite the fact that it may feel like a permanent state of limbo, in reality it isn’t. I don’t really have anything profound to say here. I just wanted to comment because I know where you are. I have been and will be praying for you.
I, on the other hand, have always liked (and in many cases preferred) the periods of transition in my life. It is like a piece of music. The wonderful melody of the theme is great. But if that's all you have, the piece never goes anywhere. And then, even the melody, beautiful though it may be, gets boring after a while. You need to have a certain sense of progressing toward something. Of change. Of growth.
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