Why Are Crushes So Complicated?

I don't date much--intentionally.  Case in point: my last relationship ended roughly 7 years ago, and I haven't gone out with a single guy since then. 

And even though I was 100% sure that I didn't want to marry the guy from the last relationship and that breaking up was the right next step, it took time to process the relationship in the wake of its ending and even longer to heal.  If you're a regular reader of this blog, you've seen posts from various stages of that healing process.

When I finally emerged from that fog, I was certain of one thing: I was done.  No more wishing or hoping or trying to find a boyfriend who might become "the one."  I was going to stay single for the rest of my life because I had things to do with my life and dating is messy and seriously, what's the point...?  And if God had other plans for me and wanted to drop someone right in front of me and make it obvious that I needed to change my path, He was sovereign and could do that.  But otherwise, I was done.

And I have been very content in this mindset until recently.

There's this guy...  

I don't even know what to say about him because I haven't talked about him to anyone else in my life--you heard it here first, folks--because what do you say when you are a grown adult and you have a crush on someone and the signals are so very, very mixed that it's literally impossible to tell if he's interested back or if he's just being nice?  

Writing about him makes the crush feel real...but is it real?  Is there even enough there for it to be worth being real?  To be worth second-guessing my I'm going to be single forever mantra?

The inexplicable phenomenon that happens when our eyes meet is amazing.  Electric.  (Is that what chemistry feels like?  My last relationship had other positive qualities, but chemistry was not one of them, so I don't know.)  But this guy and I are so very, very awkward around each other otherwise, and I just don't know how to read it other than to try to ground myself by asking, "Has he asked me out?  Because if he hasn't, maybe he's just not that into me." 

And he hasn't.  Maybe that's the answer.  But something in my gut still wants to believe otherwise.

We had a couple good interactions earlier this month that gave me hope that maybe he was interested and something would happen.  But then...crickets.  And when I ran into him today, it was not great.  He talked about the weather and then he pulled out his phone and then someone else said hi to him and he started talking to them and that was it for that conversation.  Ouch.

I hate that I care, but I do.

I made a meme earlier this week that said, "I deserve more than maybe we'll run into each other in passing."  I didn't post it anywhere, but I'm trying to remind myself that it's true.  

That mixed signals probably aren't worth the emotional energy.  

That actual love involves both people giving and receiving and is not one-sided.

But ugh...why are crushes so complicated?